Tuesday, 28 February 2006

After The Machine War, Part II: The White Goods

"White" is no longer an adjective that might be so readily afforded the appliances. The rotten stench of corruption and criminal activity runs through to the very core of their society.

The laundrettes have become dens of gambling and promiscuity. Tumble Driers have been known to "receive garments" from up to twelve different Washing Machines in the same night.

It is not uncommon to stumble across an illegal "Wash-Off" in the city. However, they are rarely planned any more; the Refrigerators offer rewards of fabric softener for information, and are usually tipped off about such events in advance. "Fridge Raids" would shed unwelcome light on this sort of largely-underground activity.

Instead, impromptu Wash-Offs are becoming more and more common. The brands form into gangs, each backing their own recommended detergent. An unofficial code of conduct has been built around these contests. Performance-enchancing substances such as stain removers and bleaches are strictly frowned upon, and violent clashes can erupt if a Washing Machine is found using them. Some have returned home early, minus their door, never to wash again.

Despite the code, bouts are routinely fixed, and appliances caught in the system are routinely and systematically abused and mistreated. While the Washing Machines fritter away their last crumbs of washing powder, Tumble Dryers are forced to risk their own well-being, resoiling clothes for the next round, and irrevocably damaging their drums and filters in the process.

Where Fridge Raids do take place, appliances will attempt to flee the scene. Those with extension cords will usually escape to wash another day; those with only short flexes will most likely be escorted to a Freezer Section for "cooling off".

But the Fridge Raids are not a success story. The rotten culture of the washing appliances is spreading to the Dishwashers. Looking for instant results, many are becoming more aggressive in their grime-removing action. Crockery and glassware are often damaged and this crack habit is now seen as a real problem.

In once-respectable neighbourhoods, small groups loiter around multi-plug adapters, looking for something different, something more hardcore to wash. Something like oily motorcycle parts.

White Good society is on, if not just over, the brink of meltdown.


  1. :D

    I think I want your babies.
    assuming you no longer have need for them.
    Are they perhaps available for hire?

  2. Yes. I'll do you a deal and throw in a tumble drier too.