Sunday, 26 December 2010

Strong Man

I'm in the grip of a poetry writing frenzy at the moment.  Which is probably why a lot of it isn't very good.  This is a poem dedicated to Geoff Capes.  Please do visit his website, which appears to take some of its inspiration from the Geocities school of design.  And turn your speakers up.




Strong Man

Strong Man is
so very strong.
His arms and legs
are very long.
He shows them off
wearing a thong.
His favourite film
is called King Kong.
And every day
he plays ping pong.
Only a few
words rhyme with strong.

Yes, I'm aware that more words than that rhyme with 'strong'.  Answers on a postcard marked 'CYLINDRICAL FILING SYSTEM'.  (That means you, Jennifer.)

Link of the Day:  Any of the ones above.

Happy Boxing Day.

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Saturday, 25 December 2010

Sketchbook 4: Party Popper

Party Popper

This is the very last thing I scanned from the lost Sketchbook 4.  So the next quick doodle will be from Sketchbook 5, which will have my email address written in the front of it.

Link of the Day: Merry Bloody Christmas

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Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Sketchbook 4: All the Coolest Cats...

All The Coolest Cats...

Link of the Day: Recycled Stool (Not this kind of recycled stool, by the way, which featured in the film The Yes Men, which I saw several years ago in the cinema and highly recommend.  But perhaps not while you're eating your dinner.)

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Monday, 20 December 2010

Cushions

Laura has challenged me to write a poem about this.  She's promised to write another one in response.  This may be rubbish and rather self-indulgent, but here goes...

Cushions

I used to hug you,
many moons ago,
when we lived together.

But those days are gone,
and now I hug you
hardly ever.

I used to squeeze you
while I sat on the sofa,
watched telly or read.

But then I moved out,
and you went to live
with my old flatmate instead.

And now that you're not
on my sofa at home,
when I see you somewhere,

I forget to hold you,
I simply sit on you
as if you weren't there.

---


Over to you, Laura...

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Sunday, 19 December 2010

Sketchbook 4: Tick or Teat?

Tick or Teat?

Yes, I know.  My friend Prascilla sent me a text with those words in on Halloween, then I doodled it a couple of days later, then I forgot to upload it.  Whoops.

Link of the Day: Porker

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Saturday, 18 December 2010

Making Lists

I wrote this on the back of a card I made for my Grannie, who had a minor heart attack recently.  I don't see or write to her enough.  Possibly because I'm busy doing other things that seem more important.

Making Lists

Things to buy
And things to do
And things to put
Inside my food

And films that I
would like to rent
And all the birth-
Days of my friends

And funny things
I mean to draw
And cities I
Would like to tour

And all the steps
For drawing graphs
(And other things
To do with maths)

And students who
Have misbehaved
Or tried their best
In class today

And when I really
Think it through
It's all I ever
Seem to do

A constant life
of making lists
Of this and that
And that and this

I always feel
The strangest need
When lists are not
Yet quite complete

No matter what
The list is for
To write just one
Thing, one thing more

Despite the lack
Of sense it makes
I feel compelled
To write down "CAKE"

True story.  I always want to add "CAKE" to any list I make.

Link of the Day: It was STEW

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Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Potty Mouth

I can't help feeling I should probably dedicate this to my nearly-three-year-old nephew, Flynn.  Yet, at the same time, I can't help feeling that I probably shouldn't.

Potty Mouth

Potty Mouth,
as he is known,
will not speak
upon the phone.

Not because
he fears he may
be rude and swear
his cares away

Instead, you see
he's had no choice
ever since
he lost his voice.

An accident
when he was three
had left him scarred
for all to see.

He tripped and fell
quite awkwardly,
was quickly
rushed to A&E,

and though the
doctors tried their best
and carried out
all sorts of tests,

he was left
quite standing out,
his potty fused
around his mouth.

As super
hero stories go
it's not a
very good one.

-----

Link of the Day: Skelewags

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Monday, 6 December 2010

Gretchen

My mum
suggested you.
The monster
who eats
mobile phone
chargers.

I named you,
then drew you
on the tram.
The smooth ride
let me give
you detail.

And then I
left my bag
in IKEA,
with you
inside.

You're only
three.

:-(

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Friday, 3 December 2010

The Annual Snow Sculpture Report

Well, I say "sculpture".  Actually the snow was rubbish.  Too light and fluffy, it wouldn't stick together and I couldn't even roll a big snowball.

So I did this, until I got bored:


Then, when I finished, like any self-respecting geek, I did this:


The moment I left, that kid started throwing snowballs at it.

I'm so normal.

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Foiled Again

I wrote this in a rather silly email conversation with the lovely Laura this evening.  It's a bit like some poems in a book I bought at the Alternative Press Fair on Sunday, which I meant to mention on here but was too disorganised.  (I tend to do that - write a little bit like things I've been reading recently.)  I can't remember his name or the publishing name he uses, because I lent the book to Laura.  I must remember to link to him at some point.

...

"Damn,"
said the chicken.
"Foiled again."
It was tin foil.
Or aluminium.
(I don't know
the difference.)

I didn't
have any
of my own
so I used
my flatmate's.
He probably
won't notice.

...

Aha!  I have hunted him down.  His website is Drunken Boot Publishing, and he's called Greg ... something.  And here's a little bit of his poetry.  It's ace.

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Thursday, 2 December 2010

Sketchbook 4: Bad Flash Heart

Bad Flash Heart


This was a vague attempt to capture the character of Lord Flashheart from Bells, the first episode from Blackadder II, from memory, on public transport.  Not a very successful attempt, but quite interesting all the same, perhaps. Part of me prefers Squadron Commander the Lord Flashheart anyway...

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Thursday, 25 November 2010

The Hooded Menace

The Hooded Menace

This is an illustration I drew for a poem I submitted to Middlebrow Magazine, which is a new magazine started by a friend of a friend.  There's some interesting stuff on there, and it's well worth checking out.

The poem itself can be found by clicking here: The Hooded Menace by Phil Hatchard.  It's rather darker than my usual fayre, an alternative take on Little Red Riding Hood.  Using paint to illustrate is also always a little bit scary for me.  I'm often so happy with the ink drawing I don't want to risk spoiling it.

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Thursday, 18 November 2010

Sketchbook 4: Lost In A Good Boot

Lost In A Good Boot

Sorry about the rubbishness in terms of uploading regularly.  I've been ill and just moved house so have been a bit disorganised.  I'm in the process of uploading a whole load in advance right now.

Link of the Day: Inondation de Paris

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Tuesday, 9 November 2010

The Adventures Of Man-Cake And Tea-Pot!

The Adventures Of Man-Cake And Tea-Pot!

My friend Toby's girlfriend asked me to come up with a comic book cover for his birthday. The title was all I had to go on.

(His initials are TC, by the way.)

Link of the Day: Go Go Gadget Minigun!

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Saturday, 6 November 2010

EvilFlea on Facebook

This post serves two purposes:
  1. To let those who haven't already noticed, know that I've now set up a proper evilflea Facebook page in place of the old group.
  2. To test whether the feed I set up on Hootsuite to automatically post to the Facebook page is actually working.  I can now post direct from Hootsuite, but the automatic posting doesn't seem to be working.  So I've deleted the feed and set it up again, and hopefully it'll work now...
We shall see.  If this post appears on the Facebook page then it works.

For those expecting a comic, try to imagine what a "Skeptic Tank" would look like.  Maybe you'd like to draw it yourself.  Then just hold it in front of the screen just below the evilflea logo.  Hey Presto!  Problem solved!

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Wednesday, 3 November 2010

The Dinosaur Hunter

The Dinosaur Hunter 

My Mum & Dad have been walking the South West Coast Path, and my Dad told me a story of what happened just before they finished it, when staying at a B&B.  At breakfast a small boy in his underpants and t-shirt, carrying a toy sword, approached them saying he was hunting dinosaurs, and asked if they'd seen any.  My Mum described to him a large dinosaur with purple spines and he replied, "Yes, that's the one.  Do you know where it went?"  

So I couldn't resist writing a poem.  It's taken me ages to iron out various issues with it, but I had a couple of moments of inspiration on my way home tonight.  I'm still not entirely sure it's quite right, however...

The Dinosaur Hunter

I'm looking for a fearsome band
To join my trek to distant lands.
So if you're brave and if you're strong,
Perhaps you'd like to come along?

This ain't no normal expedition,
This suicidal danger mission!
No turning back once we get started,
It's for the brave, not the faint-hearted.

We'll need our swords and shields in hand
For this adventure I've got planned,
Cos adventure's what I'm looking for
And my specialty is DINOSAURS!

I hunted one the other day,
Have you seen it,
I think it came this way?

It isn't very hard to see,
It towers above the tallest trees.
It's big and green with lumpy scales
And purple spines along its tail.

Its eyes are red as traffic lights,
Its cave-like nostrils dark as night.
And when it crouches for a closer peek,
Its fetid breath upon your cheek,
You'll see the scraps of rotten meat
That hang between its tombstone teeth!

And this is when begins the fun,
So long as you know how to run.
Cos if you're nimble, and if you're quick,
If all your moves are smooth and slick,
You're sure to stay out of the harm
Of this dino's stumpy little arms.


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Link of the Day: Apply a vintage effect


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Saturday, 30 October 2010

Thought For The Day: Socks


Socks.  I like to wear black socks with brightly coloured toes and heels when I'm at work.  They look smart, but when I get home and take my shoes off ...  Look!  They were party socks all the time.  Take that, stuffy male workplace fashion convention!

I usually buy these socks from M&S, but their advertising confuses me.  "Different colours for easy pair matching!" the packaging cries.  But surely if they were all the same colour, they would be even easier to pair up?

I should write a letter.

Link of the Day: **** Yeah Puns

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Thursday, 28 October 2010

Sketchbook 4: Scilly String

 Scilly String

Yes yes, I have been slow uploading the next doodle.  But there are more coming over the next week, I promise. 

In the meantime I've been resuming work on this year's auction book, the illustration of which is rather more ambitious than Mum White, which explains the delay in its completion.  Also, last Thursday I performed my second ever stand-up comedy gig.  Which went rather well.

Link of the Day: Mission. ****ing.  Accomplished.

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Sunday, 3 October 2010

Jet-Pack Cloud Engineer #1

I wrote this one a few weeks ago on the way home from work.  I was rather pleased.  I'm going to switch to 3 days a week for a while - Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays - as I've been trying to do a bit more writing so doodling less.  That and I'm a bit spaced out on the commute to my new job - but that will settle down, I'm sure.

Jet-Pack Cloud Engineer #1

It's driving down with rain again
like giant dragon tears.
It's driving like a racing car
that's changing through the gears.

I wonder if the clouds must pass
an annual safety test,
like Mummy's car, which failed last year
and was sadly laid to rest?

I wonder who maintains the clouds,
and keeps them filled with rain,
and unblocks all the holes beneath
so it can fall again?

And do they use a ladder
to climb up to the sky?
Or do they wear a jetpack,
lift off the ground, and fly?

And if they use a jetpack,
do they service that as well?
Or is it someone else's job
to keep it running swell?

And do they live together
so that they can work from home?
Or do they have an office
with a desk and chair and phone?

I think they might be broken,
the clouds up in the sky.
I think there's something wrong with
their electricity supply.

They're making banging noises
like they're full of loosened parts,
and in between they're flashing
like a dodgy light switch sparks.

It's louder than you would expect,
too loud to just be rain;
sounds more like cogs and bolts and springs
upon the window pane.

Then Mummy calls me for my tea
and as I make my way downstairs,
I think the jetpack engineer
must not easily get scared.


Link of the Day: Night of the Living Trekkies

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Thursday, 30 September 2010

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

The Sloth and The Moth (Illustrated)

I drew an illustration of this poem for my sister's birthday card a couple of weeks ago.  I nearly actually illustrated a different poem, which I haven't posted yet.  So here's the illustration and the poem again.  I've still not decided though whether my favourite absurd bird word is "TRUNGS" or "WOSBOTTOM".

The Sloth & The Moth

"Clear off!"
quoth the sloth to the moth
for he'd had quite enough
of this troublesome moth.
But the moth was lost
in the absurd words of the birds
who sat in the trees
and stared at their knees
while they nibbled on bees.
But the moth was lost
to his personal cost,
for while he listened
to the absurd words of the birds
who sat in the trees
and stared at their knees
while they nibbled on bees,
this unfortunate moth
was scoffed by the sloth,
thus bringing the moth
to an abrupt end.
Much like this poem.

PS. It's really difficult to make a sloth look annoyed.

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Thursday, 16 September 2010

Daddy's got his marching legs on...

Another extra little post.  I'm trying to force myself to write a bit more often (I've actually written another that I've not posted yet, but I might save that for a special occasion).  I was thinking about when I was little and I used to have to run to keep up with my Dad.  It's not really poetry (so I've categorised it as prose), but I think it looks nicer laid out this way.

Daddy's got his marching legs on.
They're slightly taller than me,
but quite a lot shorter than Daddy.

When Daddy turns them on
they walk very quickly and
I have to run to keep up.

Daddy holds my hand very tightly
and even if I stop walking
my legs keep going all by themselves.

When I start to fall behind,
Daddy lifts me off the ground
and swings me in front with one giant step.

It feels like I'm walking on the moon.

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Sketchbook 3: Full Stop

Full Stop

Link of the Day: Bill The Badger

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Saturday, 11 September 2010

The Sloth and The Moth

I haven't done any poetry in ages, but this just came to me...

"Clear off!"
quoth the sloth to the moth
for he'd had quite enough
of this troublesome moth.
But the moth was lost
in the absurd words of the birds
who sat in the trees
and stared at their knees
while they nibbled on bees.
But the moth was lost
to his personal cost,
for while he listened
to the absurd words of the birds
who sat in the trees
and stared at their knees
while they nibbled on bees,
this unfortunate moth
was scoffed by the sloth,
thus bringing the moth
to an abrupt end.
Much like this poem.

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Sketchbook 3: Sprites

Sprites

Link of the Day: DC Quick Fixes

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Friday, 10 September 2010

Satire! Front Page

Front Page

I drew this on the way to work today.  On the front page of the Metro was Wayne Rooney looking annoyed at photographers who took his picture as he left Man Utd's training ground.

Sensational standard of journalism.

Inside I discovered that his pregnant wife went shopping for baby clothes while he was at work.  Apparently this qualifies as further evidence that their marriage is falling apart.

Hello, by the way.  Hope you had a lovely summer.  I'm going to post one comic a day this week to catch up a bit, and then go back to the usual schedule.

Link of the Day: Grammar is important.

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Thursday, 29 July 2010

Free Shipping On T-Shirts And That This Weekend


Hello. Apparently if you order anything from my Spreadshirt shop between this Friday and Sunday, you can enter the code "FREEWEEKEND" and get free standard shipping. That'll save you at least a couple of quid. Good, isn't it?

I only wish I'd known this was coming, or I'd have waited to order my new geek t-shirt.

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Friday, 23 July 2010

Sketchbook 3: Summer Holiday

Summer Holiday

It's the summer holidays, and postings are likely to become rather erratic as I concentrate on other things.  This one, for example was supposed to go up yesterday.

Link of the Day: Element of Surprise!

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