Saturday, 2 January 2016

Alan & The Albatross

Happy New Year!  I'm still around.  Sort of.  Just busy.  And I apparently wrote this in November 2014.


Alan & The Albatross

"Hey Alan."



"What?  I'm trying to work."

"No you're not.  You've been staring at that screen for the last half an hour."

"I was thinking."

"Oh was that what it was?"




"Check out my wingspan."

"What are you on about?"

"My wingspan.  Look, it's massive."

"Is that all?"

"No, that's not all.  In fact, it's not only massive, it's the largest wingspan of any living bird."

"I don't care."

"Go on, touch my feathers."


"Go on."

"Go away."

"They won't bite.  Go on, they're really soft.  Ask me how I keep them so soft."

"I'm busy."

"I preen."

"You preen."

"I preen supreme."

"Oh dear God."

"I'm pretty awesome."

"You're pretty annoying."

"Go on, what are you doing.  I'll help you.  Somehow."

"I doubt it."

"Oh go on.  What is it, a spreadsheet?  I'm good at spreadsheets."

"No, it's not a spreadsheet, and I can do it myself, thank you."

"Want to play catch?"

"Wha-Oh God put that down now!"


"Those are my father's ashes."

"Ah, so they're not yours then?"

"Put.  Them.  Back."

"Oh, okay."

"Right, now piss off."

"I'm bored."

"Look, just go catch some fish, or whatever it is you're supposed to do."


"Look, just go away."

"Just go catch some fish?  I'm not a wild animal, you know.  I didn't grow up with a mother who took me out on the open water and showed me how to hunt.  I'm an orphan."

"Look, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to-"

"Didn't mean to what?  To open old wounds?  To make me feel small?  Like a little sparrow with its little tiny wingspan, and not this massive wingspan?  Make you feel big, does it?  Bigger than this?"

"Look.  Really, I'm sorry."

"That's alright.  I'm actually vegetarian.  Do we have any cashew nuts?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Do you want to pop down the shops and get some."

"Not really, no."

"I think it's the least you could do, after what you said."

"Oh alright.  If it means I get some peace.  Do you want anything else while I'm there?"




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