evilflea

New T-Shirts! 'Sabre Tooth Vampire'

2012-01-28T15:41:00.000Z

Click to go to the shop.

I had fun making this grumpy little fellow. As usual, I hand drew it, scanned it, cleaned it up with Photoshop, then traced the vector outline using Inkscape before colouring in and adjusting some of the details. Though the gap between drawing (about 3 weeks ago) and scanning (this morning) was a considerable one. Busy busy busy.

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Link of the Day: Thought of You

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Sketchbook 5: Head Torch

2012-01-26T11:06:00.000Z

Link of the Day: Obama demands to see birth certificate

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

New T-Shirts! "Shiptopus"

2012-01-17T20:46:00.000Z

Sticking with the water-based monsters theme, here's another design I uploaded shortly after "Fish Versus Kong". (I had a very active post-New-Year pre-going-back-to-work period.)

Click to go to the shop.

Link of the Day: What a cruel, male-dominated culture...

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Sunset

2012-01-15T21:27:00.000Z

This is my latest painting, painted for my friends Dave and Charlotte's new home.

Back in December, our mutual friend Jane (otherwise known as Mum White) won a charity auction to have me paint a picture. When I asked her what she wanted me to paint, she asked me if there was anyone we know who I could paint one for instead as a surprise.

Dave had just been telling me he liked the sunset on the Laura In The Sky With Dragon painting, so he sprung to mind straight away. The fact that he and Charlotte were in the process of buying a flat just made it even more appropriate.

The event the auction took place at was Karmageddon, the big annual London meet for Join Me, and the charity was Build Africa.

I'm now selling greetings cards and other items with this painting on, over at my cafepress art shop. Some of the proceeds will go to The Hoja Project.

Here's a sneak preview of what's coming up next...

You even get a couple of hints at other ongoing little projects thrown in there for free.

Link of the Day: Monkeys Devise Tool To Break Out Of Zoo In Brazil

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

New T-Shirts! "Fish Versus Kong"

2012-01-14T11:00:00.000Z

Another new t-shirt design, following in the B-Movie footsteps of the aliens. My new creation, imaginatively christened "Fishzilla", knocks King Kong off his perch. By which I mean the Empire State Building, not a fish.

Click to go to the shop.

Link of the Day: Where did that come from?

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

"Fe Fi Fo Fum! I Smell The Blood Of An Italian American!"

2012-01-12T11:00:00.000Z

I sat down last week to draw a city-destroying monster t-shirt design, but this happened instead.

Link of the Day: Logo Mash-Ups

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

T-Shirts! Kindling, They're Already Here, and UFO Attack!

2012-01-10T11:00:00.000Z

And another three designs that have never appeared on here as comics:

'Kindling' - For all the ereader haters out there...

'They're Already Here' - If you like something a little more surreal/alien...

UFO Attack! - Taking the UFO out of the above design, extending the laser beam and using it on its own...

Link of the Day: Pencil Art

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Yet Another Three T-Shirt Designs

2012-01-07T11:00:00.000Z

You know the drill by now:

"Good Egg/Bad Egg" [T-Shirts] [Greetings Cards] [Original Comics: Good Egg | Bad Egg]

"Umbeella" [T-Shirts] [Greetings Cards] [Original Comic]

"The Pen Who Cried" [Leaky Pen T-Shirts] [Greetings Cards with Poem] [Original Poem]

Link of the Day: This is a Work of Fiction

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Three More T-Shirt Designs

2012-01-05T11:00:00.000Z

So, three more designs that I've been putting on t-shirts and greetings cards...

"Spoon Fed" [T-Shirts] [Greetings Cards] [Original Comic]

"Blank Inside" [T-Shirts] [Greetings Cards] [No Original Comic]

"Pepperazzi" [T-Shirts] [Greetings Cards] [Original Comic]

Link of the Day: Also, Laura and I have been making some puns about James Bond and cheese...

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Three T-Shirt Designs

2012-01-02T12:59:00.001Z

I've been going back over a lot of comics and stuff lately converting them into t-shirt designs (and greetings cards), as well as doing some new ones.

So here's a sample of three (and three more to come each time I post until I run out of new ones...):

"Turncoat" [T-Shirts] [Greetings Cards] [Original Comic]

"Joseph Starling" [T-Shirts] [Greetings Cards] [Original Comic]

"He Knows His Onions" [T-Shirts] [Greetings Cards] [Original Comic]

Link of the Day: Christmas Movie Posters Quiz!

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Gold, ________, and Myrrh

2011-12-25T09:08:00.001Z

Merry Christmas. Here's a photo of a doodle I did the other day.

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

"Meow? Cat" - T-Shirt Design

2011-12-07T11:41:00.001Z

I was in the middle of another painting yesterday when I had an idea for it that I decided to do independently. And this is it.

I've done it as a t-shirt design with lots of different coloured versions:

Get Your "Meow? Cat" T-Shirts and Stuff!

I've actually been doing a load of other t-shirt designs lately that need posting on here. I will get around to that shortly. First though, I have a painting to finish...

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Sketchbook 5: Copper Piping

2011-11-05T11:00:00.000Z

Link of the Day: Blue Tit

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Sketchbook 5: Spoon Fed

2011-11-03T11:00:00.000Z

Link of the Day: Maggie Taylor

[Edit] Now available on a T-Shirt and OTHER PRODUCTS!

'Spoon Fed' T-Shirts and Accessories

ALSO AVAILABLE ON GREETINGS CARDS!

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Sketchbook 5: Clean Brake

2011-11-01T11:00:00.000Z

Link of the Day: Never leave Burger King on speakerphone

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Sketchbook 5: On Font Terrible

2011-10-29T11:00:00.000+01:00

Link of the Day: Draw My Description

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

The Sunbathing Fox - Painting! And T-Shirts!

2011-10-28T11:00:00.000+01:00

We have a number of foxes living in the overgrown back gardens behind our flat. All summer they just seemed to spend their time sunbathing and playing in the sun.

So I painted this.

Nearly messed the fox up entirely, but the good thing about paint is that you can go over it again and again and again and again. Quite pleased with the end result now, though there are a few things (and smudgy bits) I'd still like to change.

Here's my original doodle (which I can't be bothered rotating):

And here, yes here, are the t-shirts and stuff you can buy!

Get the Sunbathing Fox T-Shirts! (...and assorted other gubbins.)

Link of the Day: Slippers

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Sketchbook 5: Fake Lashes

2011-10-27T11:00:00.000+01:00

Link of the Day: Don't Think Too Much About This

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

New "Oink! Bacon" T-Shirts!

2011-10-26T11:00:00.000+01:00

Inspired by my friend Prascilla, who loves both pigs and bacon.

Get the T-Shirts! (...and other various goodies.)

Link of the Day: The Ambiguous Zone

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Sketchbook 5: The Boy Who Cried Wolves

2011-10-25T11:00:00.000+01:00

This is my most recent sketchbook doodle. I actually have another 19 older ones queued up to be posted, but I wrote a poem to go with this one, so it gets a priority showing.

The Boy Who Cried Wolves

"Give us your lunch money!"
said the bigger boy.
"And give us your toys!"

"No,"
said The Boy Who Cried Wolves
on his first day at school.
"Shan't!"

"I said give us them!"
was the bully's reply,
and The Boy Who Cried Wolves
began to cry.

And although that day
The Boy Who Cried Wolves
lost his money and his toys,
none of the other boys
picked on him
or heard from the bully
ever again.

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I suggest that this would be quite a useful superpower. As long as the wolves didn't turn on you.

Link of the Day: We Are The One Per Cent

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Test Post

2011-10-24T11:33:00.000+01:00

Having some problems with dlvr.it posting on Twitter and Facebook, so this is just me fiddling with settings and hoping it will work.

So here's a picture of a cake in the shape of a terrifying bear:

It's enough to give anyone nightmares. [via]

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

New T-Shirt Design - "Smittens"

2011-10-24T11:09:00.000+01:00

This one started out as a sketchbook doodle but I felt compelled to draw it properly and turn it into a t-shirt design in my spreadshirt shop.

Get the Smitten T-Shirts! (...and other tat.)

Clearly I had to edit the image for women's t-shirts so that the gloves didn't take on a slightly sinister grope-y air. But you *can* get that t-shirt too if you really want to.

And here's the original sketchbook doodle:

Link of the day: Keep off the grass

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

My Frog-Kisser and Dragon-Sunset Paintings On Your T-Shirts

2011-10-17T13:25:00.000+01:00

After posting my recent frog kisser and dragon sunset paintings I wondered whether I could turn them into t-shirt designs. And lo and behold! I could!

So I managed to turn these:

...into these:

...which I'm quite pleased with. Particularly the dragon one. So go on! Get your frog kisser t-shirts or dragon sunset t-shirts now!

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Woofing Dog T-Shirts | Geeky, Nerdy, Funny, Cartoon T-Shirt Designs for Men and Women

Sketchbook 5: Cloud Nein

2011-10-13T03:00:00.000+01:00

Link of the Day: One does not simply...

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The EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop - funny, silly, geeky t-shirt designs featuring maths, science and nonsense

Sketchbook 5: Golf Cadet

2011-10-11T03:00:00.000+01:00

Link of the Day: Do What Makes You Happy

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The EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop - funny, silly, geeky t-shirt designs featuring maths, science and nonsense

Congratulations Toby and Angel!

2011-10-09T18:32:00.002+01:00

Yesterday my friends Angel and Toby got married in Wood Green. This was mine and Laura's present to them - we decided on a coat of arms. Angel is known as Angel Moon, hence the moon and the wings and halo. Toby has a question he likes people to answer the first time he meets them: Who would win in a fight between a cheesecake and a snake? Hence the cheesecake and the snake.

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The EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop - funny, silly, geeky t-shirt designs featuring maths, science and nonsense

Sketchbook 5: Shake It All About

2011-10-08T03:00:00.000+01:00

Link of the Day: T-Cells

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The EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop - funny, silly, geeky t-shirt designs featuring maths, science and nonsense

Sketchbook 5: Picture Framing

2011-10-06T03:00:00.000+01:00

Link of the Day: Plus-Size

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The EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop - funny, silly, geeky t-shirt designs featuring maths, science and nonsense

Sketchbook 5: Lauren Gitis

2011-10-04T17:58:00.000+01:00

My drama school course starts in an hour. A proper (part time) drama school course. Hooray!

Link of the Day: Dinosaurs!

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The EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop - funny, silly, geeky t-shirt designs featuring maths, science and nonsense

Paintings!

2011-10-02T14:57:00.000+01:00

Back in January I painted my first ever canvas. It was for Laura's birthday (or was it Harold?), and it was the second picture I ever painted for her. I used the Pip Seymour acrylic paints I bought from Atlantis Art off Brick Lane after I attended a workshop back in November last year.

Colours have always scared me a bit, because I habitually start off with a line drawing. And if I like the line drawing enough to want to colour it in, then I'll like it enough to be scared of ruining it by trying to colour it in.

Doing a painting onto canvas feels a bit different though - you don't (or *I* don't, anyway) start off with line drawing, and if you balls a bit up you can paint over it again later.

Here it is in progress:

...and here's the finished product:

Laura In The Sky With Dragon

I didn't paint again on canvas until after we moved into our lovely flat in August. Laura's a big fan of frogs so I had a couple of frog-based ideas I thought might be quite nice. Then Laura and her Dad inspired this idea, which I painted about 3 or 4 weeks ago:

The Princess & The Frog (yes, I am the frog)

It's not perfect and I'm still working out what I can produce, but I'm very pleased with what I've done so far. I'm currently working on a third painting (not featuring Laura) and then I'm going to do one based on all the foxes who seem to spend all day sunbathing in our back garden:

At some point I'm going to attempt doing a stormy sea - these acrylics are lovely to use and although I'm watering them down quite a lot at the moment to get a smooth finish, they're nice and thick and I'm sure I could get some great textures - if I could just figure out how...

Oh, and I will be making these available (along with some other things) on a print-on-demand greetings card site.

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The EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop - funny, silly, geeky t-shirt designs featuring maths, science and nonsense

The Pen Who Cried

2011-09-24T11:00:00.000+01:00

Epilogue To The Pen Who Cried

I wrote this on a Monday
And I guess it served me right
That my pen leaked on the Tuesday
In my trouser pocket on the right.

(My leg is still a little bit blue.)

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[Edit] Now available on GREETINGS CARDS and also Leaky Pen T-SHIRTS and Accessories!

T-Shirts and Accessories | Greetings Cards

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Link of the Day: Negative Space

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The EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop - funny, silly, geeky t-shirt designs featuring maths, science and nonsense

Sketchbook 5: Cowboy

2011-09-22T11:00:00.000+01:00

Link of the Day: Burning Man

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The EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop - funny, silly, geeky t-shirt designs featuring maths, science and nonsense

Sketchbook 5: Par Lament

2011-09-20T11:00:00.000+01:00

Link of the Day: Atlas of True Names

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The EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop - funny, silly, geeky t-shirt designs featuring maths, science and nonsense

Sketchbook 5: Skinny Fit Jeans

2011-09-18T12:08:00.001+01:00

Link of the Day: People who make generalisations...

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The EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop - funny, silly, geeky t-shirt designs featuring maths, science and nonsense

Sketchbook 5: OH GOD WE'RE ALL GOING TO DROWN

2011-09-15T03:00:00.000+01:00

Link of the Day: Clever Inventions

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The EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop - funny, silly, geeky t-shirt designs featuring maths, science and nonsense

Sketchbook 5: Hyde & Sikh

2011-09-13T03:00:00.000+01:00

Link of the Day: Pi!

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The EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop - funny, silly, geeky t-shirt designs featuring maths, science and nonsense

Sketchbook 5: Swift Cover

2011-09-11T03:00:00.000+01:00

Link of the Day: Fishing

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The EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop - funny, silly, geeky t-shirt designs featuring maths, science and nonsense

Sketchbook 5: Sardines

2011-09-08T03:00:00.000+01:00

Laura's idea, this one.

Link of the Day: Earth without art

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The EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop - funny, silly, geeky t-shirt designs featuring maths, science and nonsense

Sketchbook 5: The Hairy Library

2011-09-06T03:00:00.000+01:00

Can't remember who inspired this one. I think it was someone mishearing something or a predictive text error.

Link of the Day: Ready for Close Up

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The EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop - funny, silly, geeky t-shirt designs featuring maths, science and nonsense

Sketchbook 5: FIGHT!

2011-09-04T03:00:00.000+01:00

Link of the Day: Funtime Activity

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The EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop - funny, silly, geeky t-shirt designs featuring maths, science and nonsense

Gary Birthday

2011-08-29T09:34:00.000+01:00

Hello! It's been a while. I've been busy moving house and not having any internet and turning 30. One of my friends sent a text message to one of my other friends telling him to wish me a 'gary birthday'. I decided to write a poem about this Gary Birthday. Then it turned out not to be a poem. So this is for Toby. And John. Respectively.

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Gary Birthday

Gary Birthday was an unfortunate soul. He had friends he didn't like, and a job he didn't much enjoy.

One day, he dreamt that he was an owl, and in this dream he no longer suffered any of his usual problems.

IT WAS THE BEST DREAM HE EVER HAD.

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Also, my wonderful girlfriend bought me this. I may have started sketching a lot more in the last few days. (She also contributed to the Gary Birthday story. You may hear from Gary Birthday again in the future. You may not.)

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The EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop - funny, silly, geeky t-shirt designs featuring maths, science and nonsense

T-Shirts! 60% Banana

2011-07-31T11:00:00.026+01:00

Hello again!

On Friday I did very well and sold two (TWO!) t-shirts in my shop. So I thought I'd get on and produce this t-shirt design, which I've been meaning to do for a while. The idea came from this sign here held by my friend Simon:

...which we produced at a Join Me event four long years ago. It's a reference to studies that showed we share about 60% of our genetic material with that of a banana.

There may be a series of t-shirts coming from this. But here's the first (and possibly, let's face it, last). Go on. Click it.

Link of the Day: Fancy a Game? With Oliver Letwin?

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Men's T-Shirts, Women's T-Shirts, Pin Badges, Mugs and Canvas Bags at the EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop

Hey Punk

2011-07-29T11:00:00.012+01:00

Hello, it's been a while. Nearly a whole month in fact. I've been busy searching for and then getting ready to move into a new flat, and also working on a not very secret project. I thought you might be missing me, so I spent all of yesterday evening drawing this new cartoon. A triumphant return, I'm sure you'll agree.

Look! I've even done T-Shirts and other assorted tat!

T-Shirts and Other Assorted Tat!

Link of the Day: The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists (very much looking forward to this film - the books are AMAZING - although I'm quite disappointed they've foolishly changed the name for the American release)

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Men's T-Shirts, Women's T-Shirts, Pin Badges, Mugs and Canvas Bags at the EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop

Sketchbook 5: Action on Hearing Loss

2011-06-30T11:00:00.003+01:00

I first heard this girl by the ticket gates at Euston Underground Station. She was still going an hour and a half later.

Link of the Day: I'm wearing a bikini.

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Men's T-Shirts, Women's T-Shirts, Pin Badges, Mugs and Canvas Bags at the EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop

Sketchbook 5: Spotting A Ticket Inspector Is Easy

2011-06-28T11:00:00.006+01:00

Ah, I haven't referenced this in a while.

Link of the Day: The Madness of Nadine Dorries

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Men's T-Shirts, Women's T-Shirts, Pin Badges, Mugs and Canvas Bags at the EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop

Sketchbook 5: Remote-Controlled Boy

2011-06-23T11:00:00.007+01:00

A small boy was staring at me intently on the Tube. I started to draw him, but messed it up a bit and ended up turning him into the puppet of an evil (and tiny) gnome.

Link of the Day: My girlfriend left me...

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Men's T-Shirts, Women's T-Shirts, Pin Badges, Mugs and Canvas Bags at the EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop

Sketchbook 5: Spotter's Badge

2011-06-21T11:00:00.007+01:00

Link of the Day: Machine of Death Monologues

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Men's T-Shirts, Women's T-Shirts, Pin Badges, Mugs and Canvas Bags at the EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop

Bleeding Heart T-Shirts

2011-06-18T11:00:00.027+01:00

Two new t-shirt and tat designs for you, using the anatomically-correct heart I drew previously.

Direct link clicky.

Link of the Day: The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop...

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Men's T-Shirts, Women's T-Shirts, Pin Badges, Mugs and Canvas Bags at the EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop

Dave's Magic Public Sector Pension Shrinking Ray

2011-06-14T22:07:00.000+01:00

Today the ATL and NUT announced teacher strikes over the changes to the Teachers Pension Scheme. Although neither is my union, it's a move I wholeheartedly support.

I'll explain why soon over on my blog, and how the Government have lied and cheated their way through to making unnecessary cuts to a fully-funded pension scheme.

Note I don't just support any old strike that comes along - I was very much not in favour of the last NUT national strike over pay in 2008.

PS. Hello! I've not been updating over here for a little while. I intend to correct this.

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Men's T-Shirts, Women's T-Shirts, Pin Badges, Mugs and Canvas Bags at the EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop

The Boy Gray

2011-05-26T11:33:00.003+01:00

It's taken me a while to get around to posting this (sorry, very busy trying to be work-organised), but I recently entered a poetry competition for Jawdance, a spoken word night at Rich Mix in Shoreditch.

Poems had to be inspired by one of these photographs, and uploaded as an audio recording less than a minute long. I managed to win with The Boy Gray, my third poem below, and so got to perform it with the other seven winners at last week's Jawdance event. And forgot the words half way through. But *I* won, so ner.

Here are the poems, anyway:

Follow The White Arrow by evilflea (based on Photo 1)

Don't Step On The Cracks by evilflea (based on Photo 2)

The Boy Gray by evilflea (based on Photo 6)

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Men's T-Shirts, Women's T-Shirts, Pin Badges, Mugs and Canvas Bags at the EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop

The Art of Cinema, circa 2011

2011-05-10T11:00:00.013+01:00

Hey! We've made everything look even closer/further away than it's supposed to in real life!

On Friday I went to see Thor. In 3D. It wasn't very good. And I found the 3D distracting. It just didn't quite ring true. It wasn't anywhere as near as intrusive as the 3D in the trailer for the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie though, which consisted almost entirely of people pointing various weapons at the audience followed by Captain Jack Sparrow delivering an unfunny one-liner.

Disappointment all round. Ah well. Still, both were vastly superior to the 3D in Alice in Wonderland.

Link of the Day: Meet Gordon Chichester

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Men's T-Shirts, Women's T-Shirts, Pin Badges, Mugs and Canvas Bags at the EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop

Sketchbook 5: Retain if you also hold "FIRE" and "HOLY BOOK"

2011-05-07T11:00:00.002+01:00

Link of the Day: The Economy

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Men's T-Shirts, Women's T-Shirts, Pin Badges, Mugs and Canvas Bags at the EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop

The EvilFlea Guide To Animal Magnetism, Part 2a

2011-05-05T11:00:00.007+01:00

Link of the Day: Those No2AV leaflets again

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Men's T-Shirts, Women's T-Shirts, Pin Badges, Mugs and Canvas Bags at the EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop

The EvilFlea Guide To Animal Magnetism, Part One

2011-05-03T11:00:00.000+01:00

Link of the Day: Champagne Hand

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Men's T-Shirts, Women's T-Shirts, Pin Badges, Mugs and Canvas Bags at the EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop

Sketchbook 5: William Shakes Bear

2011-04-30T11:00:00.001+01:00

Ed, Laura and I went to see All's Well That Ends Well at the Globe Theatre on Wednesday. It was brilliant, I highly recommend it. I drew this on the way.

Link of the Day: Dear Science Museum...

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Men's T-Shirts, Women's T-Shirts, Pin Badges, Mugs and Canvas Bags at the EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop

Sketchbook 5: Gok Wan, Jedi Master

2011-04-28T11:00:00.004+01:00

I intend* to turn this into a proper comic at some point soon, with Gok using his Jedi powers to make everyone in the galaxy look good naked from far, far away. ~~But for now, you'll just have to make do with T-shirts:~~ [Edit: Ah, crap. They rejected the design. Copyright issues. Spoilsports. There are other t-shirts you can buy though...]

Link of the Day: Wasting Time Drawing Funny Pictures

*Yes, "intend". Cash value 0.001p.

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Men's T-Shirts, Women's T-Shirts, Pin Badges, Mugs and Canvas Bags at the EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop

#AVreferendum: The Naysayers

2011-04-27T18:00:00.006+01:00

Full blog post here.

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Men's T-Shirts, Women's T-Shirts, Pin Badges, Mugs and Canvas Bags at the EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop

Sketchbook 5: Commoner Salt

2011-04-26T11:00:00.006+01:00

Link of the Day: Dear Human

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Men's T-Shirts, Women's T-Shirts, Pin Badges, Mugs and Canvas Bags at the EvilFlea Spreadshirt Shop

#AVreferendum: The False Economy of Insignificant Time Savings

2011-04-25T18:00:00.007+01:00

Full blog post here.

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Sketchbook 5: The Power of Percentages in Advertising, Part Two

2011-04-23T11:00:00.010+01:00

T-shirts & Accessories!

Link of the Day: Before I die...

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#AVreferendum: Celebrity Endorsement

2011-04-22T18:00:00.006+01:00

Full blog post here.

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Sketchbook 5: The Power of Percentages in Advertising, Part One

2011-04-21T11:00:00.013+01:00

T-Shirts & Accessories

Link of the Day: Music Piracy!

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Sneak Preview! Those New Voting Machines The #No2AV Campaign Keep Banging On About #Yes2AV

2011-04-20T18:00:00.002+01:00

Full blog post here (complete with graph!).

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Sketchbook 5: Re-Tail Park

2011-04-19T11:00:00.006+01:00

Link of the Day: Tree House

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#AVreferendum: Nick Clegg's Bloody Nose

2011-04-18T18:00:00.000+01:00

for related blog post click here

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Sketchbook 5: Hampstead. The Monster Who Uses Ham Instead.

2011-04-16T11:00:00.002+01:00

Link of the Day: Late Night Radio

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Beginner's Guide To "First Past The Post": An illustration of how much your opinion really matters. #AVreferendum

2011-04-15T18:00:00.001+01:00

for related blog post click here

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Sketchbook 5: That's How I Roll

2011-04-14T11:00:00.004+01:00

You'll be happy to know that this is becoming a t-shirt. With a design that looks something like this:

Products are available here.

Link of the Day: Gunshow

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Graphs! Why Electoral Reform Is Needed (even if you don't think AV is the right step to take)

2011-04-13T11:00:00.007+01:00

Close, isn't it, between the top three? Pity their seats in Parliament don't reflect this:

It's no surprise really, that Nick Clegg sold out to the Tories in order to secure the smallest chance of some meagre electoral reform he once described as "a miserable little compromise".

The problem is that the Lib Dem supporters are spread fairly evenly over the country, as opposed to the Tories who you'll find more in rural areas, and Labour supporters concentrated in urban areas. So the Lib Dems come second everywhere in our "First Past The Post" system.

It's even worse for the smaller parties who have some significant support, but not concentrated in any one location. The Greens should have 6 or 7 seats by proportion of the vote. They have just one, and they were extremely fortunate to get that.

So you get this sort of ratio between votes received and seats won in Parliament:

This is not a fair system. You cannot honestly disagree with that. You might argue that AV isn't the right change to make, and I'd agree it's not ideal. It's not a big improvement. But it's the only option we're being given, and it's an improvement, however small. (You might disagree with that bit.)

If we don't make that change now, we'll be giving the main parties a mandate to claim that the public are happy with the way our elections are run. And I certainly don't think you can agree with that claim. Not on a voter turnout of 65.1% in one of our closest elections in years.

If you want all these bar charts in one handy image, you can find them here. Data from the BBC website.

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Sketchbook 5: Scotch Bonnet

2011-04-12T11:00:00.005+01:00

Link of the Day: The Record Books

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Brains to AV #Yes2AV

2011-04-11T12:09:00.000+01:00

Yes, I'm going all political for a few weeks (some of the time). We have the best chance we're likely to get in years to improve our electoral system very very very slightly. It's almost not worth getting excited about, except if we don't make this small change now, we'll give the main parties an excuse to sweep the issue under the carpet saying the public don't want change. It's not often we get national referendums in this country - the only other UK-wide referendum was in 1975, on continued European Community membership.

Let's not waste this opportunity. "Yes" to Fairer Votes on 5 May.

I'll be posting a few comics and graphs over the next couple of weeks based on AV, hopefully explaining why change is needed and why I'm voting yes. I'll be double-posting everything on here and over on my blog.

Here's my original sketch of the Brains To AV spoof, before I decided to make it look like the official No2AV posters:

Zombie image came from here.
Blank No2AV template came from here.
And here's my favourite of other people's efforts.

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Sketchbook 5: Diversity

2011-04-10T11:00:00.001+01:00

Link of the Day: Everything is a Remix

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Sketchbook 5: And Blessed Is The Shepherd...

2011-04-09T13:34:00.000+01:00

Link of the Day: Eagles & Horses

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The Girl Who Went Bing, Part Thirteen [B]

2011-04-03T11:00:00.002+01:00

Shortcut to: Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Part Seven | Part Eight | Part Nine | Part Ten | Part Eleven | Part Twelve | Part Thirteen [A]

Part [B] to yesterday's part [A]. It all ends here ~~tonight~~ this morning.

***

Zena stopped and sat down. The only good thing about her agonising foot was that her footprints told her which of the corridors she had already tried. Unfortunately, she seemed to have tried them all already. At least she couldn't be followed, even if they were certain to know she was here somewhere.

She supposed there was little point in sitting around though. They were sure to find her eventually. She struggled to her feet and staggered on, her foot and lip still stinging horribly.

She walked back and forth and around and around the labyrinth for what seemed like hours, until she eventually noted something very curious: a light switch. It seemed to be the only light switch around, and was curious because there were no electric lights; the corridors were lit with flaming torches.

Maybe it wasn't a light switch. Maybe it was a switch for an extractor fan. Zena remembered how she would use the extractor fan in her kitchen at home when she cooked for her parents. Golly! It all seemed so long ago! It would make sense, though, she reasoned. It did seem to be getting rather smoky and she was starting to feel quite drowsy. Perhaps even dreamy. Without her knowing it, her hand was already reaching forward.

***

"I'm sorries, I don't understands, Miss."

"You heard."

"Then whys did we...? Wouldn'ts it have been easiers to...?"

"No it wouldn't; this is the way I planned it, Collins, as well you know."

"I think I'd better put the kettle on," said the giant.

"Oh know you don't!" interjected The Woman In The Pretty Dress. "Not with your track record. Collins!"

"Yes, Miss," said Collins, moving as fast as his little legs would carry him.

***

It was as if the maze of corridors had unfolded and created an extremely long passageway, with an almost blindingly bright light at the end of it. Zena hesitated. She looked back to the pitch black that lay behind her. What if it was a trap? Maybe the least tempting option was the correct one. Maybe They knew she'd think that, and so the dark route led to certain doom. Maybe... oh, this could go on forever.

Zena trusted in the light. At least this way she could see where she was going.

And then the breathing started.

It was gentle at first, like a cat purring in its sleep. But it became sharper. Angrier. It was hissing at her. And it was behind, just beyond reach. Wincing and whimpering, Zena quickened her pace. Quicker and quicker, she broke into a run. Still the breathing followed her, closer and closer, louder and louder. Yet always out of sight.

Zena sprinted towards the light. Again she stubbed her toe. And the floor came up to meet her face.

***

"I told you to put up a Mind The Step sign, didn't I? Didn't I tell you? And now look what's happened. She'll probably sue. Oh, look, she's coming to. Are you alright, dear?"

The Woman In The Pretty Dress slowly took form in Zena's bleary eyes.

"Wh-where is it? It was chasing me!"

"Now, really! Calm down. What was chasing you?"

"The breathing! I could hear it breathing!"

"That damn echoing corridor!" She turned to the giant. "I told you to fix that too, didn't I?!"

"Yes dear," muttered the giant from behind his crossword.

"Echo? You mean it was my breathing?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so. Oh, it really it far too bright in her. We really should replace that light bulb with a lower wattage one."

"Yes dear," said the giant, taking a sip of tea as he mulled over fourteen down. "I'll get right to it."

Zena looked up at the giant properly for the first time. "Mr Jamin! What are you doing here?"

"Oh hello, Zena!" said Mr Jamin, lighting up and lowering his paper. "Sorry, I hadn't realised it was you. You don't know what 'small carnivorous armchair' is, do you? Seven letters, last letter Q?"

"No."

"Oh. Pity." An awkward pause. "So how are you doing? Sorry about transporting you here and all. Easy mistake to make, really. Have you met my wife?"

"No."

"Oh, you must. Emily, this is Zena. Zena, this is Emily."

"Er, hello," said Zena to The Woman In The Pretty Dress.

"Hello dear," replied Emily.

"Er, Mr Jamin? What's going on? What's this about my mortal enemy? And my being a 'Chosen One'?"

Mr Jamin spat out his tea all over his crossword, he laughed so hard. "Oh dear. I'll have to finished that later," he muttered to himself, wiping it gently with his sleeves. He turned to Zena, who looked horrified. "So they told you that too, did they?"

"Yes," said Zena. "Why is that funny?"

"It's not," said Emily sternly. "I've been trying to invade this place for years. It's needed a makeover so badly. That Bonathon fellow has such ghastly taste."

"You invaded?"

Mr Jamin jumped in again. "It's not quite like it sounds, Zena. Things work a little differently here. The others are being kept downstairs while the finishing touches are being applied. There's plenty down there ot entertain them. But oh my we've been so rude! Would you like some cake?"

"Er, yes please," said Zena, which knew it was rude to refuse a host's hospitality. "So, you'll let them out later?"

"Of course. We're nearly finished. And then you can go back home."

"Oh goody!" said Zena, as she hadn't realised she had missed it so much. "But... what about the Binglish?"

"Oh, that'll wear off soon enough," said Mr Jamin.

"Oh. I thought someone said it was irreversible."

"Oh yes, it is. We can't change it back for you. It just changes back of its own accord."

"Oh. Right."

"Indeed. Ah, here's the cake. Thank you Collins."

Collins nodded, handed over the cake, and backed away respectfully. Before long the others who had been locked downstairs returned, and they all had a jolly party with hats and balloons and jelly and ice cream, and the decor wasn't garish at all.

Before she knew it, Zena was back home, and her parents were loving and kind, and her teacher Mrs Kate was considerate and fair, and everything turned out much better than anyone could possibly have expected, all in a slightly too easy and convenient kind of way.

THE END.

***

Link of the Day: Greenhouse Gases

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The Girl Who Went Bing, Part Thirteen [A]

2011-04-02T11:00:00.001+01:00

Shortcut to: Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Part Seven | Part Eight | Part Nine | Part Ten | Part Eleven | Part Twelve

Into the final part now. As suggested by the first sentence, I had forgotten about this for ages and then decided I should finish it off and not leave it hanging. So I did. It's a long one, so I'm going to split it into two parts, [A] and [B]. It's a weekend double bill!

***

It all now seemed so long ago. She had only been asleep for a few hours, surely, but Zena felt like she had forgotten much of what had come to pass in the last couple of days.

She sighed, and opened her eyes.

"Aaargh!!"

Zena leapt to her feet and catapulted herself into the corner of this particular dungeon. Stood over where she had lain, was a midget with a shrivelled arm, wearing a pair of NHS specs and a Jorvik Viking Centre t-shirt. On his feet were a pair of flowery pink wellington boots.

"Who are you?!" demanded Zena.

"I be the manservants to your nemesiseseses, Miss," said the midget, cocking his head to one side. "Collins, they calls me."

"My what?"

"Huh?"

"My, err, ... my what? Servant to my...?

"Oh," said Collins, "your nemesimesis - nesimim - memma - your mortal enemy, Miss."

Mortal enemy? Why should she wake up to find an enemy's servant standing over her? What happened? How long was she asleep?

"Right, well, Miss," said Collins, making a move for the door. "I hads best be offs right now, Miss. Peoples to tortures, rats to breeds, and all thats. It's all goes, goes, goes, today."

With that, he disappeared out into the dark corridors, leaving Zena very confused.

What was going on? Zena wanted to go and find out, but fear would not allow her to leave the room. She looked around her for any clue while her belly churned uncomfortably.

The room was just bare stone, though, apart from the bed, which was identical to the one she had back at home, right down to the Paddington Bear bedsheets. And the Roobarb and Custard slippers, which seemed to have replaced her shoes. She slipped them on.

Her cold feet felt instantly warm and cosy, but the feeling didn't stop there. It rose up through her legs and through her body until it reach the ends of her hairs and the tips of her fingers. Her skin seemed to glow a warm and fuzzy orange as if she were appearing in a Ready Brek advert.

Being a very sensible six-year-old, however, she knew better than to trust magic slippers, particularly so soon after being greeted by an enemy's servant. She took them off and, shivering, she made her way out into the corridor.

***

"Oh no you don't!" said The Woman In The Pretty Dress. "I've just cleaned there. And you can take them off at once!"

"Yes, dear," sighed the giant, obligingly.

***

Before long, Zena came upon a T-junction along her way. To her right lay a dark, dank tunnel, and to her left a much more well-lit corridor. Someone appeared to have started hanging flowery wallpaper, but had given up halfway through. Unless, of course, they had only recently started.

At the start of the corridor stood a small shoe rack, holding four pairs of shoes of varying sizes, and in various stages of muddiness. Beyond the rack, old newspaper had been laid on the floor, until ...

Voices!

Zena rushed into the dark tunnel to the right, stubbing her toe hard and biting down so much on her lip that it started to bleed profusely. She found herself facing away from the voices, but daren't turn around for they now sounded so close.

"I knows no The Mistress's exact motives, sees," said a voice that Zena recognised immediately as belonging to Collins.

"Do you know, Collins" replied the second voice, "for one who is reputed for one's knowledge of all that one may wish to know, you are remarkably useless when one wishes to use you as a source of information."

"Well, Miss Torties, Miss, the things about knowing lots of stuffs is, much as I'd likes, 'snot possibles to reads people's minds, Miss."

"That may be very well, Mr Collins, but one does wonder exactly why one must install brass fittings when one stages a revolution of sorts. Especially when one enters into such a revolution on the promise of one not becoming consumed by the drunkenness of power. One would not be best pleased were one to discover that The Mistress were, as it were, one scone short of one's afternoon tea."

As the voices faded into the distance, Zena wondered exactly what Miss Torties (assuming Mr Collins had pronounced her name correctly) had meant by her little speech. Zena felt like she now had even less idea of what she was up against than she had had before. Assuming, that is, that it were possible to have less than no idea.

Finally deciding it was safe to move, Zena crept out of the tunnel, and limped down the newspaper-strewn passageway. She could feel the blood running down her chin and the paper tried to stick to her left foot as she left behind dirty red footprints.

***

"Are you blind? Or stupid?" demanded The Woman In The Pretty Dress. "They. Will. Clash."

"Whatever you say," replied the giant. "You know best."

"Oh do try to have a mind of your own, you wretched - Yes, what is it?" She looked up from the Dulux colour chart.

Collins stood just inside the room. "I's and the others were just wonderings, Miss."

"Yes?"

"Whens do we gets to eats the 'ostages?"

To be continued...

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Link of the Day: Crazy Hairdo

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Sketchbook 5: Flossty The Snowman

2011-03-31T11:00:00.007+01:00

On Tuesday my hugely price-reduced not-the-current-version animation software arrived. Today I shall mostly be playing around with it. Quite excited. (I also have some t-shirt designs to do...)

Link of the Day: Dr Bandaid

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Sketchbook 5: The Futility of Trains

2011-03-27T11:00:00.011+01:00

This was supposed to be Thursday's sketch. I uploaded to flickr and then just forgot to post it on here. I'm efficient like that.

Link of the Day: Imagine Truth is a Sphere

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The Girl Who Went Bing, Part Twelve

2011-03-26T11:00:00.010Z

Shortcut to: Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Part Seven | Part Eight | Part Nine | Part Ten | Part Eleven

"Why do you return empty-handed?" demanded The Woman In The Pretty Dress.

"They was too quicks for me," said the midget.

"I see."

"I follows thems, Miss."

"Go on, Collins."

"I finds their hideouts, Miss."

"And you weren't seen?"

"No, Miss. Scouts' honours, Miss," grinned Collins. "I dones good works, Miss. Asks Collins anythings, Miss, that's what they says. Cans I have cake, Miss?"

"Alright," said The Woman In The Pretty Dress, "but a dry one. You can have one with icing when I have seen this hideout for myself."

***

"Chosen?" said Zena. She gazed around but she could not see for a light sone bright in her face.

"Yes," said Mr Bonathon. "Chosen."

"Why?"

"Because it is meant to be."

"What is?"

"This."

"Oh. Where am I?"

"Luton."

"Luton?"

"Not exactly."

"Oh. How did I get here?"

"You were chosen."

"Who chose me?"

"Well, no one chose you."

"But you said they did."

"Well, yes, but - well, not exactly. It is meant to be."

"I don't understand."

"Few people do. You have been laden with this burden, charged with a quest for which you did not ask, and -"

"I've been what?"

"You've been lade with this burden. And charged with this, erm -"

"I don't understand."

"You have been chosen by fate."

"What's fate?"

"I'm sorry?"

"What's fate?" Zena repeated. She really didn't know. She had never heard of fate before, or being a 'chosen one'. It was hardly surprising. She was only six, after all, and her parents had never taken much interest in her, so her general knowledge was pretty poor, even for a six year old.

"Oh really!" exclaimed Mr Bonathon, dimming the lights so that Zena could see. "You really DO know how to ruin a sense of occasion, don't you? Go on, Anunciada, you explain it to her."

"Erm," said a girl stood next to Zena. She had olive skin and dark hair, and Zena recognised her voice immediately. It was the girl who had led her out of the dark.

"It's those things that are supposed to happen," said Anunciada after a little thought. "No matter what you do, it is destined to happen. It will happen."

"Okay, right," said Zena absent-mindedly. She wasn't listening. She was distracted by the extraordinary room in which she now found herself. She'd never seen anything so tacky.

Large cardboard cutouts of golden pillars were stuck at intervals on the uneven, grubby walls. Purple and green drapes were hound between the tops of the pillars. A large pendulum clock made out of old egg cartons and pipe-cleaners hung high above Mr Bonathon's golden papier maché throne. Tucked away in the far corner was a framed picture of Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen, hanging over a tea trolley laden with candles.

"Well, I can see you're tired," said Mr Bonathon. "So Anunciada will show you where you can lay your head."

Zena realised that actually, she did feel rather tired. Her eyelids suddenly felt very heavy, and even as Anunciada took her hand, she was barely keeping them open and started to drift away. The next thing she knew, she was awake.

To be continued...

***

Link of the Day: Chopin & Liszt

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Sketchbook 5: Gun Slinger

2011-03-22T11:00:00.006Z

Link of the Day: DANCE

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Sketchbook 5: Wireless Cello

2011-03-20T11:00:00.010Z

This is my idea of the modern equivalent of the TV Cello, which we saw in Tate Liverpool in half term.

Link of the Day: The Butterfly Circus (some nice Sunday viewing)

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The Girl Who Went Bing, Part Eleven

2011-03-19T11:00:00.009Z

Shortcut to: Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Part Seven | Part Eight | Part Nine | Part Ten

Zena opened her eyes.

That was odd. They were already open. It was dark. Well, it was BLACK. It wasn't the sort of dark where you may stub your toe on a stone if you didn't look very carefully where you were going. It was the sort of dark where you were going to stub all ten toes on something whether you were careful or not.

She could not see a thing.

She reached forward with her right foot to check the ground and stubbed her toe. She yelped quietly. She had been stood with her face just millimetres from a hard rocky wall and the ground didn't feel much different. From the echo, her yelp made it seem as though she was in some sort of cave or tunnel.

Zena crouched down and felt the ground around her. She started to crawl across the cave floor, when…

Footsteps! Someone was coming! Zena didn't know what to do. Presumably she couldn't be seen, but perhaps she WANTED to be found. If she couldn't be seen then whoever it was might run into her, and that would hurt - the footsteps even seemed to be quickening. So she pressed herself firmly against the rocky wall.

The footsteps came quicker and closer, and closer and quicker, until…

They stopped.

Then there was nothing. Nothing except the inky blackness. Nothing except the cold hard rock against Zena's cheek. Nothing except the slow, indecisive and almost imperceptible crunch of feet shuffling in the sandy gravel.

"Who's there?" said a voice. A girl's voice. Little older than her own, as far as Zena could tell. It sounded concerned, yet confident.

"Please, who is there? We must go!" pleaded the voice. "Please, they will come!"

"They"? thought Zena. Who are "They"? And why must we go before they come? What will they do? If I can't trust them, why trust you? Zena suddenly realised she did not know what to do. She started breathing more heavily, and fought desperately to keep it under control, lest she be heard.

She wasn't the only one to start to panic, but she didn't notice. The shuffling of the feet became more nervous, the voice more desperate.

"Please, they see you arrive too! They see everyone arrive. We must go. I will help you. I am here to help you. Come with me. Please."

Zena let out a tiny whimper. A crunch of gravel followed. She'd given herself away. She felt such a fool. How could she give herself away so easily? But did it matter? Maybe she should trust the other girl. Maybe They were really coming after her, whoever They were. But maybe They were coming to save her from this girl.

Oh what could she do? She'd always looked after herself so well but she was still just a small girl; she only turned six yesterday, for pity's sake. She was just a foolish little six year old girl who was rubbish at Maths, and all she wanted was a hug from someone to make her feel safe, something she'd never even got from her parents. She couldn't even speak to this other girl because of the Binglish.

Just a few minutes before she'd been optimistically talking to a new friend who seemed to be helping her, who she thought might make everything better. But then she'd just ended up here and she couldn't imagine how anything could get any worse.

Zena burst into tears.

"Don't cry," said the voice. "Don't cry. They hear you. They hear everything."

"I don't care!" shouted Zena. And she didn't.

"Please stop. What is your name?"

"Ze - what did I - ?" Zena didn't understand. She was cured! She was cured of Binglish! Or at least -

"Okay, no time now. Will talk later. Nice to meet you, Zee."

"No, it's Zena, but - oh." She realised that she wasn't cured. The voice was speaking in Binglish, and so was she. It just sounded so … normal.

"Talk later. I hear them. Come now."

A hand grabbed hold of Zena and yanked her to her feet. She found herself hurtling arm-first along she-didn't-know-where, grazing herself each and every time she met the rocky wall. Yelping in pain with every trip, with every fall, every time she stubbed her toe.

And then came the light. The blinding light.

"Glad you could join us," said a familiar voice. "It seems you have been chosen."

To be continued...

***

Link of the Day: On Thursday I clicked "Stumble" (taking me to a random page recommended by The Internet) and it took me to this lovely bowl. Which was made by my very good friend Zena West. For whom I wrote this story.

By the way, the real Anunciada speaks perfect English. Not sure exactly what I was doing there. Oh well, just wait and see what I did to Collins...

***

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Sketchbook 5: Steam Punk

2011-03-17T21:05:00.000Z

New Sketchbook! This was the only drawing in it for *ages*. That on the left is a snip of the "if found" message that I wrote in it this time around. I never did get Sketchbook 4 back.

Link of the Day: Congratulations Kate and Harry!

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The Infinite Scarf

2011-03-15T11:00:00.003Z

The other poem that I wrote on the train at half term at the same time as Sublimation, was about Laura's new scarf. Which has no ends.

The Infinite Scarf

Laura's new scarf
is in a loop.
An infinite,
Möbius scarf
(possibly).

A purchase inspired,
I like to think,
by my tales of
The Infinite Hotel,
during which she
only pretended
to look bored and
disinterested.

I ought to explain
to her lofty
mathematical
concepts
more often.

***

Link of the Day: Maureen

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The Girl Who Went Bing, Part Ten

2011-03-12T11:00:00.015Z

Shortcut to: Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Part Seven | Part Eight | Part Nine

"Bing. Bing-bing," said Zena. She reached out tentatively and held Mr Jamin's index finger with two hands. He shook it gently and lifted her feet off the ground.

"Er, may I come in?" he enquired politely, holding up Zena so he could see her better.

"Er, Bing bing. Bing," replied Zena. The man was a veritable giant, and seemed to be slowly getting bigger. He could have crushed her like a fly, yet she was not scared. There was something very … reassuring about him.

He started to duck his head under the doorway, but then hesitated for a moment. "Er, should I take my shoes off first?"

"Bing-bing bing, bing bing. Bing bing bing."

"In that case, I will," smiled Mr Jamin. "That happened to me just the other week. My ears are still ringing."

He stooped as Zena led him by the finger through the hallway and front room to the kitchen. She wasn't quite sure why she led him there, she just knew that was where he wanted (and needed) to go.

"Ah," he said, kneeling down so that he didn't have to keep stooping. He approached the counter and started inspecting the microwave. "I haven't seen one of these models for a long long time," he said. "No wonder it's so severe."

"Bing!" exclaimed Zena excitedly. "Bing! Bing! Bing!"

She had quite forgotten that this had all started with the microwave, although she didn't know how she could forget such a thing. But, now that she stood in front of it again, she felt deliriously happy, even though she knew it was the cause of the whole episode.

Mr Jamin furrowed his brow and looked quite concerned for a moment. "I'll go and get my tools from the van."

"Bing! Bing-bing? Bing!"

"Yes, that would be lovely. Milk and two sugars please."

To be continued...

***

Link of the Day: Best. Amazon. Reviews. Page. Ever. via @douglasgresham

Also, Laura and I have given up moaning for Lent. Which is nice.

***

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Sublimation

2011-03-05T11:00:00.002Z

Whoops. Forgot to upload the next episode of The Girl Who Went Bing before coming to Laura's for the weekend. Oh well. Here's a (sort of) poem instead, written on the train at half term.

Sublimation

"Try using sublimation,"
she said.

"Direct your thoughts
and feelings
onto an object.
A piece of fruit.
A nectarine."

"Like dry ice,"
I said,
deliberately
confusing
the poetic
and scientific
definitions
of the word.

I wrote in my notebook:

Your cold dry ice for me evaporated
as I watched your carbon dioxide
diffuse into the air.

You're no great loss, I realised.
You're no oxygen.

"Have you ever,"
she asked,
"been seduced
by dry ice?"

"No,"
I replied.

"Hmm," she mused.
"I still prefer
nectarines."

***

Link of the Day: This film looks interesting. I *MUST* see this film.

***

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The Girl Who Went Bing, Part Nine

2011-02-26T11:00:00.006Z

Shortcut to: Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Part Seven | Part Eight

"Right," said Mr Bonathon, feeling about his person as if looking for something. "Now where did I put that scrap of paper?"

Spotting it, he picked up a huge sheet of paper from his desk, and lay it flat on the floor.

"Now Zena," he said, holding out the tracheavinator. "I want you to take this device and write your name and your age on this piece of paper."

Zena nodded and took the tracheavinator from Mr Bonathon. She knelt down and wrote in her very best handwriting:

"BING BING BING-BING BING. BING, BING BING BING."

She stared at her own words in stunned silence. She was even WRITING in Binglish now!

"Right," said Mr Bonathon, taking the device from Zena. "Now I want you to write that again, except this time..." Mr Bonathon flicked a tiny switch in the side of the tracheavinator. "This time it's going to be turned on."

He handed the pencil back to Zena, and she settled down to write on the enormous sheet of paper once more:

"BING BING BING-BING BING. BING, BING BING BING."

"Oh," said Mr Bonathon, his brow frowning and his features creasing. "Oh dear."

Zena looked up at him. What was so wrong? What SHOULD have happened?

As if reading her mind, Mr Bonathon answered her question. "I've never seen that before. Normally the tracheavinator would translate at least some of the Binglish back into English. So it might have read, "BING Zena BING-BING, I am six BING." But in your case it didn't translate anything at all. I am afraid that this is the worst case of Binglish I have ever seen."

"Bing, bing-bing?" asked Zena.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I'll arrange for him to call round immediately after school."

Mr Bonathon began to usher Zena out of the door but, when she turned around to thank him, she found that she was already standing back out in the corridor. She was stood in front of Professor Wallace's very plain and ordinary-looking office door.

The whole event had been so bizarre that Zena rather fancied that she had imagined the whole thing, and that next time she opened her mouth she would speak perfectly normally.

And so she went back to the classroom. Mrs Kate told her rather abruptly to sit back down in her seat and so Zena responded in the only appropriate manner.

"Yes, Miss," she said politely. Only, as I am sure you must already have guessed, it didn't sound like, "Yes, Miss." Zena was so upset that she burst into tears and ran from the room.

"Come back here, you naughty child!" bellowed Mrs Kate furiously.

But Zena didn't come back. She kept running, and she kept crying, and she didn't stop until she arrived home. She left a trail of tears behind her, down corridors, through doors, across the playground and all the way down the road to her house.

All the while Mrs Kate yelled after her in an increasingly angry voice, and Zena even thought she could hear her, albeit faintly, from the end of her road.

Zena went through her front door, slammed it shut and leant back on it on the other side. She breathed in and out. Slowly, and deeply. In. Out. In. Out. In-

*DING-DONG!*

The door bell! Who could possibly be ringing the doorbell? There had been no one behind her as far as she could see. But then, she hadn't really been looking. Besides, how could she answer the door in her state? She couldn't possibly tell them anything they needed to know.

*DING-DONG! DING-DONG!*

Well, whoever it was, they weren't about to walk away. So Zena turned, slowly, and carefully opened the door.

It was a man. A very tall man. So tall that he had to stoop to make his face show in the doorway. He was wearing bright blue overalls, like a plumber. Bizarrely, given that it was early summer, he also wore a pair of pink fluffy ear-muffs.

"Hello there, young lady," he said, pulling his ear-muffs down around his neck. "You must be Bing - erm, Zena." He offered his sizeable hand for Zena to shake. "I'm Mr Jamin."

To be continued...

***

Link of the Day: An Objective Version Of Reality

***

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The Snap Dragon

2011-02-23T19:43:00.001Z

It's half term, so I'm doing the family tour with Laura this week. No Hungry Caterpillar, as I'm posting via my phone, but you do get this poem, written after we saw my nephews on Tuesday.

The Snap Dragon

I'm a card-playing,
picture-matching,
fire-breathing lizard
from medieval times,
and this poem
may not rhyme
on every line
but I more than
make up for it
with my mad skillz.

Cos I'm the Snap Dragon.
Take me on and
I'll beat you with ease
as long as I remember
to try not to sneeze.

(Perhaps
I should get
my next set
laminated.)

The Girl Who Went Bing, Part Eight

2011-02-19T11:00:00.004Z

Shortcut to: Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Part Seven

Zena squeezed herself out of the small doorway, and was amazed to see that there was another, much bigger door right next to it. She tried the handle, and it clicked open.

She stepped through into an office identical to that of the Head Master. The only difference was that she now stood waist-deep in hundreds of coloured plastic balls.

"Sorry about the mess," said Mr Bonathon. "My cleaner has been off sick all week and ... well, you know how it is. Take your eye off the ball for one moment and things just sort of build up, don't they? It's surprising you can see any carpet at all."

Zena looked around to see if she could see any carpet at all. She couldn't.

"So," said Mr Bonathon, pressing a big red button on the wall that sucked all but a few of the balls into a hole in the middle of the floor. "Take a seat. Tell me what's bothering you."

Zena started to make her way to the chaise longue across the room.

"Look," said Mr Bonathon with a slightly anxious air about him. "It's not Binglish, is it?"

"Bing," said Zena.

"Oh," sighed Mr Bonathon, sounding very disappointed indeed. "Another one. Oh well, I'll see what I can do, run a few short tests, that sort of thing. It's usually just a case of asking you to avoid eating postage stamps. On rare occasions, however, I have to call in Mr Jamin. But don't worry, I'm sure it won't come to that."

Zena swallowed. Who was this Mr Jamin, and what would he do with her? And what tests? She was no good at tests. What if she failed? Would she have to leave all of her friends and mover down a class? Two classes?

"Oh for goodness' sake, take that look off your face and stop being such a wet blanket! Now," he said, picking up a very rusty, dusty and fearsome-looking contraption. "Let's see how you far against The Tracheavinator!"

He began to wind the handle of the contraption, and it squeaked and creaked into life. Now that Zena could see it working, it appeared to be built entirely from kitchen utensils and gardening tools. The handle seemed to be part of an old egg whisk and, as he turned it, blades from a food processor whirred round and a rusty pair of garden shears snapped open and shut.

Zena winced.

"I haven't used this in years," grinned Mr Bonathon with an almost demonic look in his eyes. "Oh well," he said, chucking it aside and turning back to the spot where he had picked it up. "Now, where's that tracheavinator? Aha! Got it."

Zena gulped. What would he bring out this time? She didn't have to wait long to find out, because no sooner had she thought that thought, than he turned slowly around, brandishing...

...what appeared to be nothing more than an ordinary pencil. And not one of those fancy ones with an eraser on the end of it. Nor one of those big bendy novelty ones. Just a good old-fashioned HB pencil.

To be continued...

***

Link of the Day: Raphael

***

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The Very Hungry Caterpillar versus Silvio Berlusconi

2011-02-17T11:00:00.001Z

Link of the Day: The Man With The Golden Arm

***

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The Girl Who Went Bing, Part Seven

2011-02-12T11:09:00.000Z

Shortcut to: Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six

Last time, on The Girl Who Went "Bing"...

Professor Wallace merely took off his glasses and looked intently at Zena. "Bing?" he said quizzically. "My dear, did you say 'Bing'?"

...will Zena ever say anything else again? Will Professor Wallace get that hearing problem seen to? Will, oh who cares, just read on will you?

*****

"Yes," said Zena, although it actually came out, "Bing."

"Yes," muttered Professor Wallace to himself. "Yes ... yes, I ... Well, thank Mrs, um, Mrs?"

"Kate!" boomed Zena's teacher.

"Yes, well, thank you Kate. I've seen this before you know. I'll take it from here."

Mrs Kate scowled at Zena before reluctantly leaving the room and slamming the door behind her.

"Bing, bing-bing?" said Zena, meaning to ask if he really had seen this before.

"Oh yes, many times. Awfully, awfully common, actually. And so easily preventable. It's a wonder I ever see any cases any more, and yet here you are stood right before my very eyes. Third one this week!"

Third case this week? thought Zena. But surely this can't be common at all. She peered at the Head Master.

"Oh, I know what you're thinking, but yours isn't the only school in this building. There were three hundred and fifteen of them at the last count, in fact. There used to be many more, but they've all closed now. Cutbacks, eh? The latest one," he said, raising his eyebrows and leaning in conspiratorily, "was re-opened as a hospital for stick insects."

He noticed Zena's confused expression.

"You can't see the other schools of course," he said, as an afterthought. "But you can rest assured that they are here."

"Bing."

"Ah, good question! Well, it's an affliction that I call 'Binglish'."

"Bing-bing? Bing."

"Well, quite. I'll arrange an appointment for you with Mr Bonathan right away."

With that, Professor Wallace turned, bent down, and rapped on a door that was not two-foot high. A dull thud was heard from the other side, followed by a series of very loud footsteps. The door opened sharply, and in the doorway stood an eighteen-inch tall ten-year-old boy.

"Oh for goodness' sake Professor! I was just about to make it onto level fourteen!"

"This," said the Head Master to Zena, allowing himself a little chuckle. "This, is our resident child psychiatrist, Mr Bonathan. And this," he said to the miniature shrink. "This charming young lady's name is Zena. She has something with which you might help her."

"Oh alright," said Mr Bonathan, standing aside from the opening. "But only because I still owe you for the incident with the kitchen apron. Come on in Zena. Let's get it over with."

Zena crouched down and began to crawl through the tiny doorway.

"Look, you silly girl!" said an exasperated Mr Bonathan. "Why don't you just use the other door?"

***

Link of the Day: Rockface

***

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The Very Hungry Caterpillar versus Hosni Mubarak

2011-02-10T11:00:00.001Z

Link of the Day: Prisencolinensinainciusol

***

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The Girl Who Went Bing, Part Six

2011-02-05T11:00:00.001Z

When I sent this to Zena, I apparently prefaced it with the short message, "This is what happens when you put me on a train for 3 1/2 hours."

You have been warned...

Shortcut to: Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five

The next day at school Zena was in a maths lesson with her teacher Mrs Kate. At one moment, Mrs Kate asked a very difficult question indeed, and suddenly Zena had a brainwave.

No, she didn't know the answer to Mrs Kate's question. She did however realise that Mrs Kate couldn't possibly understand whatever answer she gave, so she wouldn't know that it was the wrong one. Zena's hand shot up in the air.

"Erm, yes,... er, Zena," said Mrs Kate, very surprised at who would attempt to solve her cruelly confusing and complicated conundrum.

"Bing!" said Zena enthusiastically, beaming from ear to ear.

"Pardon?" asked Mrs Kate, in a slightly-taken-aback kind of way.

Zena panicked inside. She hadn't anticipated being asked to explain herself. She j ust hadn't thought that far ahead.

"Well?" said Mrs Kate. "What's the matter Zena? Cat got your tongue?"

"Er, bing?" said Zena sheepishly.

"What kind of answer is that supposed to be?"

"Bing, uh ... bing."

"Are you trying to be funny, Zena? Is this some pathetic excuse for a joke? Do you see me laughing Zena? Do you?"

Zena decided it best not to answer Mrs Kate this time. She was beginning to look very angry indeed.

"WELL?" bellowed Mrs Kate. "DO YOU? Come on, I'm waiting!"

Zena sat fixed rigidly in her chair, her legs crossed as tightly as she could manage, making herself as small as she possibly could. She could feel all of the other children's eyes on her back, and began to feel very ill.

"Bing," she pleaded with Mrs Kate, her eyes welling with tearwater.

"Right! That's it! I'm taking you to the Head Master's office."

Oh no, thought Zena. How am I ever going to explain this to the Head Master? I'll be expelled!

Mrs Kate marched Zena ear-first down the corridor, the class behind erupting into excitable chatter the moment they left the room. Within seconds they arrived at a very grand-looking oak-panelled door much unlike any other door in the school. It had the following words engraved upon it:

PROFESSOR D.J.M. WALLACE Esq
HEAD MASTER TO THE SCHOOL

Mrs Kate rapped firmly on the door.

"Come in," said a voice quietly from the other side.

Mrs Kate threw open the door, pushed Zena through it, then slammed it loudly behind them both.

Zena's jaw dropped. She had never been inside the Head Master's office before and, now that she had, she forgot all about the trouble in which she had landed herself. Well, momentarily, at least.

The walls were lined with books. Old, antique and beautifully hardbound books, all the way up to the ceiling, which was at least twenty foot high. This looked very peculiar because the room itself was little more than four feet wid in either direction. Although, it seemed to get wider the higher she looked.

From the ceiling hung a huge crystal chandelier, which would not have been out of place in a stately home. In fact, this description could have been used for all of the other items in the room. It could have all come directly out of a big country house: the fireplace, the leather armchair, the writing desk, and ... and even the Head Master, Professor Wallace himself.

"And what can I do for you young lady?" said the old gentleman, putting down his quill pen and peering over his reading glasses at Zena.

"She's been disrupting my class, Head Master," said Mrs Kate firmly.

"Oh dear," muttered Professor Wallace, shaking his head slowly from side to side. "That won't do, will it? Won't do at all. So, exactly what have you been up to, hmm?"

Zena looked apologetically into his face, and nervously glanced at Mrs Kate, who was glaring angrily down at the little girl. She swallowed. Twice.

"Bing," she said, sorrowfully.

Mrs Kate's face turned from red to purple, and swelled as if about to explode.

Professor Wallace merely took off his glasses and looked intently at Zena. "Bing?" he said quizzically. "My dear, did you say 'Bing'?"

To be continued...

***

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Trophy Wife

2011-02-01T11:00:00.024Z

Laura asked if I'd mind if she pickled my hand when I die. Of course not.

Trophy Wife

She keeps the
jar inside
his study
just below
c'tificates
proudly screwed
to the wall.

It makes it
onto the
mantlepiece
only on
most special
occasions
when guests stare,
resist the
urge to gag,
words stop and
refuse to
arrange them
selves into
sentences.

They never
understand
but it's so
important
for her own
sanity
that they see.

That she shares.

Her husband's
pickled hand.

The rest of
him, she keeps
for herself.

***

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The Girl Who Went Bing, Part Five

2011-01-29T11:00:00.001Z

Shortcut to: Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four

Zena soon arrived at the shop and set excitedly about filling a trolley with the items on the shopping list, which looked like this:

Milk
Bread
Potatoes
Microwave Cottage Pie
Microwave Lasagna
Microwave Eggs
Microwave Sushi
Microwave Toast
Microwave Chips
Microwave Turnips
Microwave Steamed Pudding
Microwave Treacle Tart
Microwave Ice Cream
Microwave Custard

Zena pushed the trolley all around the shop, picking up the milk and the bread and the lasagna and the custard and all of the other products as she went along.

The man at the till ran the milk over the barcode reader.

"Blip!" said the cash register.

"Bing!" giggled Zena.

The cashier ran through the bread.

"Blip!" said the cash register again.

"Bing!" giggled Zena once more, and the man began to look slightly annoyed. He ran through the potatoes, the cottage pie and the lasagna.

"Blip!" said the cash register each time.

"Bing!" giggled Zena in reply.

"For heaven's sake, child!" shouted the man, slamming the eggs down in his hand. "Will you not keep quiet?!"

Zena felt very small indeed (and was already very small as it was). She had not meant to misbehave, and she had certainly not intended to make anyone so angry.

"Bing," she mumbled by way of apology. She could not help herself. She didn't seem to be able to say anything else. Inside she could feel her stomach tying itself up in knots, expecting the man to lose his rag completely. He didn't. Instead he looked very confused all of a sudden.

Zena quickly paid and left, forgetting her change. She knew her father would not be happy about that and, worse still, how was she going to explain it using just one word?

The sun was out and the birds were singing, however, so by the time she arrived home she had decided that there were worse words to be stuck with.

***

Link of the Day: Clever Girl

***

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The Very Hungry Caterpillar versus Andy Coulson

2011-01-27T11:00:00.002Z

Link of the Day: Honest food prep instructions

***

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The Girl Who Went Bing, Part Four

2011-01-24T21:23:00.001Z

Sorry this one's a couple of day's late. Far too busy at the weekend having fun for Laura's birthday.

Shortcut to: Part One | Part Two | Part Three

She felt a surge of pride in her present as her father opened its door, waved
back the thick smoke and removed the blackened lump of charcoal from within.

illustration by Spotty Dog Rosie

When Zena came back downstairs her parents were in the kitchen discussing her present.

"Can't you get the damn thing to work?" demanded her mother of her father.

"Of course I can! There must be something wrong with it, that's all. Yes, that's it. It's faulty. I'll call the repair man right away."

Faulty? thought Zena. What rubbish! There's nothing wrong with it. She smiled at her new possession and, although it had no mouth with which to do so, she knew it was smiling back at her.

Her father suddenly noticed her standing there. "Here's the shopping list," he said irritably, shoving a piece of paper and some money into Zena's hand. "And don't forget the change!"

Zena skipped down the road, greeting passers-by as she went.

"Bing!" she said to her neighbour, Mrs Buckley.

"Oh!" replied Mrs Buckley. "I'm sorry dear, what did you say?"

"Bing!" she said to old Mr Reynolds.

"Pardon, child?" replied Mr Reynolds, cupping his hand around his ear.

"Bing!" she said to a policeman.

"Morning, Miss!" replied the policeman whilst handcuffing a suspected bicycle thief.

"Bing!" she said to the bicycle thief.

But the bicycle thief didn't hear her. He was too busy comtemplating the consequences that his life of crime had brought down upon him.

To be continued...

***

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P.M.A.

2011-01-20T11:00:00.047Z

(image via)

I just got out of the new shower I never thought my landlord would actually get installed. So in the interests of believing in the impossible...

P.M.A.

Ask yourself:
Is it possible?
Is it probable?
Is it pull-it-off-able?

And if in answer
"No," you say
then try to do it
anyway.

***

I also found this image:

It's now (one of) my ambitions to own an office building just so

I can rename all the floors things like "success", "victory", etc. (via)

And my personal favourite...

(image via)

***

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The Girl Who Went Bing, Part Three

2011-01-15T11:00:00.003Z

Oh, I forgot to say. I found the notebook that contains the rest of the story. You're going to get the whole thing...

Shortcut to: Part One | Part Two

Illustration by Spotty Dog Rosie

Zena looked on in awe and wonder as the shining white kitchen appliance rose out of the box. She barely noticed that her parents looked as excited as she was.

She watched as her father carefully turned every delicate page of the instruction manual, poring over its contents; comparing diagrams with the device, and the device with the diagrams.

And then...

He took the microwave and placed it on a spare work surface. He found the plug and eased it gently into the wall socket. He reached out tentatively, and flicked the switch as if tending to an injured tiger.

Zena saw the machine flicker into life, its digital display flashing up the wrong time. She gazed longingly at the oven while her father attempted to set the clock correctly without activating a half-hour cooking schedule.

She absorbed the sense of occasion as he cradled a large potato, gently set it down on the heatproof plate and shut the door.

She closed her eyes and listened to its barely audible hum, meditating upon it for many minutes until -

"Bing!"

The noise made her jump, yet she was overcome with joy upon hearing it. She felt a surge of pride in her present as her father opened its door, waved back the thick smoke and removed the blackened lump of charcoal from within.

It spoke! It had spoken to her, to tell her that it had completed its task, and she had understood it.

"Bing!" repeated Zena, giggling to herself.

"What did you say?!" Replied her father angrily.

"Bing," she said again, unable to help herself.

"This doesn't concern you! It's none of your business! Get out of my sight! GO ON, GO TO YOUR ROOM!"

Zena was astonished. She'd never seen her father's face turn that colour before. She quickly ran upstairs, giggling uncontrollably and muttering the word "Bing" under her breath, again and again and again.

She threw herself onto her bed and wrapped her coarse itchy blanket around herself.

"Bing," she said again, and laughed. Not giggled; laughed. She was happy. She'd never been happy before. Modestly content, yes. Never happy, never even sad.

She heard some noises from downstairs, and wondered dreamily why her father seemed to be doing everything slightly louder than was absolutely necessary.

To be continued...

Link of the Day: First Name

***

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Tramstop Poetry

2011-01-11T11:00:00.009Z

I wrote this one on the way home from work last week. I'd been quite productive over the New Year period and I wanted to keep the momentum going.

Image pinched from here - do check it out

Tramstop Poetry

Standing at the tramstop
after dark
trying to think of poems
I might write
about the night
perhaps

Or some childish adventure,
One as good as the one
my girlfriend
wrote about the denture
(well, dentist actually
but that wouldn't
have rhymed)

While all the time
all I can think of
is how I'm struggling
to think of a poem
to write
and end up juggling
the thoughts in my head
and write a poem
about that instead.

How Terribly Post-Modern Of Me.

Link of the Day: Misconceptions

***

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The Girl Who Went Bing, Part Two

2011-01-08T11:00:00.031Z

On her third birthday, she received a new winter coat for her mother.

[Illustration by Rosie from Spotty Dog]

Shortcut to: Part One

It was a strange sensation. At first Zena did not know what was happening to her. It started in the pit of her stomach, but soon spread up her arms and down her legs, until she was tingling from her toes to the tips of the hairs on her head.

In a frenzy she ripped the re-used Christmas wrapping paper from her present, and didn't hear her parents' protests against such wilful wastefulness.

"Don't tear the wrapping paper!" started her father.

"That could have gone back in the drawer for next year!" cried her mother.

"WHAT A WASTE! THAT WILL COME OUT OF YOUR POCKET MONEY!" they shouted together.

But Zena wasn't listening, and even if she was, she wouldn't have cared. Next year's wrapping paper would be a small price to pay for this. Besides, her parents never gave her any pocket money for it to come out of anyway.

Now, they didn't know what to do. Zena had always been such a well behaved little girl, and now she had disobeyed them for the first time ever. They didn't know how to begin punishing her.

She had taken a step back to admire her present in all its glory, and gazed wistfully at it. It was a very plain-looking brown box, and had the words "MICROWAVE OVEN" printed in big bold letters across the side.

Not being a very bright girl, Zena didn't know what a microwave oven actually was, but that just made it all the more exciting. She was sure that she would very much enjoy finding out.

After a good two minutes of speechlessness, her parents sprang into action. The snatched and yanked the box out of arm's reach of Zena and positioned themselves so as to guard between it and her. Slowly and carefully, they eased open the lid.

To be continued...

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Link of the Day: Mammatus Clouds

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