Monday, March 28, 2016

Poem: Will You Hold My Hand In The Zombie Apocalypse?

Photo by Michael O'Sullivan Photography
I wrote this to read out at my wedding just 4 days before the big day, according to the date in my notebook.  My wife rather likes zombies.  I think my introduction was something along the lines of, "Now, I'm not normally one for writing sentimental love poetry.  So I haven't.  I wrote this instead."

So today is our first wedding anniversary.  Which is paper.  And I read this off a bit of paper.  Which is fitting.  (Happy anniversary, darling.)

***

Will you hold my hand in the zombie apocalypse?
I mean, I know that you said
You'd like to kill the undead
With a double-headed axe
But perhaps I could ask
You to consider a more practical weapon instead?

Will you hold my hand in the zombie apocalypse?
I mean, I couldn't be sure
That the house is secure
From violence and theft
If I only use my left
Hand to hammer some boards
To the windows and doors
But maybe if the electricity still runs
I could use a nail gun.

Fingers crossed, eh?

Will you hold my hand in the zombie apocalypse?
Then, if I die,
If I cease to exist,
You could cut it off at the wrist
And using my end
As a means to fend
Off would-be attackers,
You could ensure my demise
Would help halt the rise
Of the zombie hordes...

And of course,
If you were to modify it with spikes
So that in the midst of a fight
You could make a cheap pun about FINGER NAILS...
Those are the sorts of little details
That would make me really very happy.

I mean, if we were to hold hands in the zombie apocalypse,
I just think we'd look really really cool.

***

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Monday, February 15, 2016

Very Short (Unfinished) Mondays: The Disappointing Adventure

Another unfinished one, I think I wrote it last June.  I'd quite like to come back and finish it I think...

***

The Disappointing Adventure

"Here you go," said The Leader Of The Islanders, heaving out The Large Chest Of Unimaginable Treasures.

"Oh," said the Captain Of The Pirates.  "But we only just landed.  Couldn't you just hide it from us for a bit?"

"We could," said the The Leader Of The Islanders, "but isn't this what you wanted?"

"Well, yes..." said The Captain Of The Pirates, trying to be as delicate as possible, "but we normally do a spot of plundering first."

"Well, now you don't need to," said The Leader Of The Islanders.  "Here you go," he added, nudging The Large Chest Of Unimaginable Treasures slightly closer to the pirates.

"But I was looking forward to the plundering!" said the shortest pirate, who was stood at the back where the islanders couldn't see him.

"And we were looking forward to giving you The Large Chest Of Unimaginable Treasures," said The Leader Of The Islanders.  "They don't call this The Island Of Hospitality for nothing, you know.  I'm Alan, by the way."  He offered his hand for shaking.

"I've never heard anyone call it The Island Of Hospitality," said The Captain Of The Pirates.  "I thought it was called The Island Of Bone Crushing Cannibals."

"Ah, that's because we only changed its name last week at a public meeting," said Alan, beaming.  "Two thirds majority and everything."

Some of the pirates groaned.

"Oh," said The Captain Of The Pirates.  "That is a shame.  George here was rather keen on being captured and then pulling off a daring last minute escape just before he could be cooked and eaten.  Apparently it's his favourite thing in the whole world."

He gestured towards a heavily scarred and disappointed looking pirate who was clutching a large tine with 'DEFINITELY NOT A KIT FOR CARRYING OUT DARING ESCAPES' printed on it.

***

Link of the Day: The Most Highlighted Passages From Classic Books

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Monday, February 08, 2016

Very Short Mondays: Feathers

Another one from last May from my notebook.  This one was written because my lovely wife refuses to accept modern theories on dinosaur feathers.

***

Feathers

"Of course," said Kelly, "velociraptors were a lot smaller in real life than in the film."

"Kelly," said Horace.  "Stop ruining it.  I don't care if they were smaller or not."

"Do you care that they were covered in feathers."

"They were not covered in feathers."

"Were too."

"Don't be silly.  Let's enjoy the film."

"I'll show you."

"What?"

"I'll show you.  Come upstairs."  Kelly stood up and climbed the three flights of stairs into the loft.  Horace, begrudgingly, pressed pause and followed her.

"I've been working on it for months," said Kelly when he finally caught up with her.

"What is it?"

"It's my time machine."

"Time machine?"

"Yes."

"You've built a time machine?"

"Hopefully.  Come on."  Kelly skipped over to the contraption and climbed inside.  Horace, begrudgingly (he did most things begrudgingly), followed her.

The door closed and without any sound, without any clicks or whirrs or futuristic pips and whistles, the contraption slowly faded into nothingness.  A few seconds later, it faded back again.

"See?  I told you," said Kelly, climbing back out of the time machine.  "Feathers.  Oh."

"What?" said Horace, who was struggling a little.

"We changed something."

Horace gave himself one final heave.

"What do you - Oh."

***

Link of the Day: Thread Rainbow

***

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Monday, February 01, 2016

Very Short Mondays: The Pizza

We're up to May in my notebook now.  Not sure what was going on in this story...

***

The Pizza

Jonathan took the pizza out of the oven.  It still wasn't cooked.  Why wouldn't it cook?

The oven was switched on, it was hot.  The pizza had been in there for half an hour.  It wasn't even warm.

"You've failed me," said Jessica.

Jonathan ignored her.  He always failed her.  It was practically his job to fail her.

But this time, something worried him.  The voices were one thing, but this.  This was weird.  This shouldn't be happening.

"You'd be surprised," said Ranjit, "by what some people think is normal."

It was a shame really, that this was only the first night that Jonathan noticed that some things - some actual real things that had happened - were impossible.  Otherwise he might have had time to make a plan to save himself.

***

Link of the Day: Monster Tea Party

***

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Monday, January 25, 2016

Very Short (Unfinished) Mondays: Fairytale

This one is also from March, and is actually unfinished.  I may or may not come back and finish it, but I enjoyed reading it back so here it is...

***

Fairytale

Once upon a time, there lived this man.  Well, lots of men actually, the world was full of people.  I mean, not as many people as there are now, but still quite a lot of people.  Some of whom were men.  Where was I?

Oh yes.  The man.  The man owned a cat.  Or possibly a rabbit.  I'm pretty sure it was a cat though, because I've just remembered there's a rabbit coming up later in the story.  Anyway, so there was this magical cat.  With magical powers.  And it belonged to this man.  The man didn't have any magical powers, by the way.  He was just an ordinary man.  Except he was really good looking.  I mean exceptional.  He was a hunk.  Think of the best looking man you've ever seen and times it by about fifty.  Oh and he was also a prince.  Except he didn't know he was a prince yet.  He just thought he was an ordinary man.

Actually, come to think of it, that's the twist to the whole story, so just pretend I didn't tell you, and we'll carry on as if that didn't happen.

So there was this completely normal but incredibly attractive man with a cat that was basically an extremely clever wizard.

And the cat was called George.  George?  Gerald.  Tell a lie, Gerald was the man.  The cat was called The Great Flufferton.  But we can just call him Fluffy.  (Trust me, it's going to make things a lot simpler later on.)

So Gerald and Fluffy lived in this, well, it was sort of a hut really.  It was made of wood and was only about a metre square.  In fact it looked a lot like a small garden shed.  And it didn't help that it was full of spades and trowels and things.

TO BE CONTINUED?

***

Link of the Day: Chip

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